Just a baby's breath away

Claire's 5-step treatment for the common cold:

1. Sleep until 5pm every evening. Then stay awake until dawn. You'll get all the alienation of nocturnal living without the inconvenience of missing prime-time television and dinner (breakfast), which someone else will no doubt purchase/prepare and serve to you. Quickly now.

2. Play lots of Metal Slug 2, and use your continues wantonly until they run out on the final mission. Then go fiddle with the "everybody votes" channel on your Wii. Get that prediction success rate to soar! It's the most important thing in life.

3. Eat lots of sugar and dairy. Chai tea lattes are requisite, as always, but don't forget sundaes and candy. Order Tandoori King, because the spices will clear your sinuses. Tell that to whoever's paying. Also order the squeaky cheese dessert. The cheese squeaks in your mouth! These little pleasures will stave off the desolate specter of death that accompanies any illness. If anyone tries to deprive you of your squeaky cheese, scream "momento mori!" and burst into tears. Use extra phlegm for effect, as needed.

4. Watch episodes of Carnivale on DVD. Let the sorrows of the great depression make you feel better about your current state of health and hygiene. Bonus: pretend you have dust from the topsoil of a thousand drought-ridden farms in your lungs. Coughing adds to the sense of reality. Role play!

5. Entertain your dog by throwing her fish toy out into the hallway every once in a while. When she doesn't bring it back after the second throw and instead sighs longingly and looks out the window, assume she's exhausted and set for the day. As you are.